I just started crying over laundry. Really my husband came in and there I was on the floor with our 2 year old climbing over me crying. He asked what was wrong and I told him I just wanted to get laundry done. In fact it was more than that, it always is but I was not in the shape to go into all the details of why I was stressed and he was probably not prepared to have an in depth conversation about life.
What was wrong? Well for starters I had 5 days off due to Christmas (weekend, Monday, Christmas eve and Christmas) and I had been trying to do laundry for 4 people that entire time and at 7 pm of the 5th day I was still not done. We have a small machine (stackable), the dryer lint trap doesn't trap all the lint (need to get that cleaned), and it is winter so a lot more sweaters and when you can only wash 1 towel in a load with a decent drying time you will be doing a lot of loads dividing up all those sweaters. To make matters worse the diaper failed today so I had to wash my 2 year old's sheets and water proof mattress cover (try putting something waterproof in a washer and see how wet it comes out) and that about killed my washer.
Step back and it is Christmas. A day I grew up with involving family getting together more than religious meaning. Now my family is far away and I spend it with my husband's family. His grandmother who always has to touch me, his mother who speaks in a high pitched voice to my 2 year old, his sister who has a plan but won't tell you the plan, his brother-in-law who is very quite and his brother-in-laws parents (he is an only child). So why do I not just embrace this new family? It is not the same, they are very religious. At Thanksgiving my son stated he did not want to do grace, his sister said that was up to me and my husband but that he should be quiet anyways. I am fine with that, if you feel you should pray before food that is a personal choice I will stand to the side and respect that but I don't understand it. Today before the prayer his mother called my oldest son to her side so that he could be with her during the prayer, uh wasn't that my choice on if my son participated in a prayer? Instead of making a scene my husband and I played with the 2 year old. We hand out presents, it is chaos but not bad. Personally I really wish no one purchased my kids toys (we live in a little apartment and don't have the room) but even my promise that cash will be placed in an account to buy toys when we move were ignored so more toys to the storage unit.
But lately I have tried to think more and more about what my views are regarding religion. For years I was 'christian' because that was how I was raised. We irregularly attended church so much so I could not even tell you the denomination we were. My grandma once said we were Protestant. But when I was in church I remember thinking what interesting stories, who believes them as true? My husband was raised Catholic. When I would attend mass with his family (usually after staying over before we were married) I wondered if the priest believed what he was saying, what was really in the book that he was reading from because the bible I had been given seemed unbelievable. In college I was asked once if I believed, I stated no and questioned those asking if they had studied all religions, they mentioned only Judaism, Christianity and Muslim and I quickly informed them they were all the same in my mind. Of course I have not read up on all religions so I would be the last to be involved in theological debate but I know Jewish religion was first, a man was born and the Christian religion was born from his teachings as he was suppose to be a messiah written in the scriptures, although not everyone believed. Then Muslim came about and they follow both the old and the new testament as well as their own unique book. But who compares the western religions to the eastern religions of Buddha and Hindu? And what about those religions that don't get talked about as much, Wicca and such?
What do I believe? Everyone should treat each other with kindness. Don't put all the weight of the world on your shoulders as you can not handle it. Basically that is it. Do I need to go to a church and tithe to ensure that those less fortunate are treated with kindness? No I can hand money to the man on the corner or give to a charity but I don't want you to respond with "God Bless You" because I don't believe it. I don't need to pray to God to help me get through my tough times. I cried over laundry and I am fine now, I had an emotional overload I let it out without having to go through a ritual and I am better. Writing this has helped, I am talking to no one and don't care that I don't have a name to go with my talking to no one.
What really gets me lately is everyone wanting to act like their beliefs have been the same forever. Christmas is new, of course people understand that it was not the actual birth of Jesus but do they realize that it has only really been celebrated for a few hundred years? It was probably set up to convert people by giving their winter solstice a new name under the Christian religion. Trees are new, cards are new, the extravagance of presents is new. So why is everyone upset with people not treating it as a religious holiday? For me it is cultural. If you don't like it then stop giving me the day off, request that marketers stop trying to get everyone to buy for the holiday and I will stop celebrating what you may feel are for the wrong reasons...or does having everyone celebrate the holiday make you feel like everyone believes? I would stop celebrating if it wasn't for my kids and in laws who I feel would try to force religion upon my son more (I am still trying to figure out who told him it rains because God wants it to). So for now I am counting down the years until my children are grown and we can make an understandable decision on going through with the holiday or not.
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Perhaps I should do more research. If I cared enough either way I would but I don't. I want to be a happy person. I don't want to feel like I have not bought enough junk for my children, I don't want to feel like a fake celebrating a holiday I don't believe reflects its true origins. Perhaps I will just start celebrating the lengthening days and convert Santa into a bringer of light, everyone else has changed the day to reflect their beliefs.
